I don't know how to say anything in just a few words, so go ahead and get a snack and a drink...you'll need it. :oP It's hard to believe it has been over a month since the last post. Why is it that life seems to move so fast? We continue to fall in love with our new baby girl and feel so blessed that He chose us to raise her.
I must admit it is difficult to find time to sit and journal/blog. I am a fairly open person in that when I do write, I am not afraid bear parts of me that I would otherwise keep hidden from view. In my 34 years have become quite skilled at putting my best foot forward even if what lay just beneath the surface was anything but held together and peaceful. I say that only to incriminate myself by failing to be transparent to those closest to me. Growing up a musician/performer taught me that it was all about what is seen or heard not about the nerves that hold it all together. Having that background in most cases has been a benefit. Setting all pretense aside, let's talk frankly.
A thought occurred to me today. We were watching an episode of "19 Kids and Counting" on TLC that had been recorded. Let me begin by saying the Duggar family is a family we greatly admire and who God really used to put us on the path we are currently traveling. We homeschool, we now do family worship, albeit not as consistently as it should be, we are often accused of "sheltering" our children, we desire for a large family (leaving it entirely in God's hands, of course) and we desire, greatly, to instill in our children Godly character and a desire for God's word. While this was not an attempt to become this family, I say "God used them," loosely. He had already begun this work in our family before we knew of them.
So back to the episode, it followed them on their trip to a homeschool conference. We also attended that same conference. We attended for the first time two years ago. Our children were still a little young for school but we were headed that direction. We knew we wanted a God based, character rich curriculum. So we attended the conference. During the conference the children, depending on their age, have several options as it isn't realistic for children to sit through "lectures" (to them, and inspirational breakout sessions for the adults) 8 hours a day. While it was everything but mundane for me, for my sons it was a major...ZZZZZ. I wasn't able to go this year but look forward to next year's conference. One of the choices for 8 yrs old and up is called Alert Cadet. For those that have never heard of it, don't worry, neither had I prior to attending the conference. It is similar to the Boy Scouts, with a slightly different twist. The Bible is its base. It is the desire of this organization to "...Turn the hearts of fathers to their sons and the hears of sons to their fathers..." This was the part that intrigued me the most.
Over the last few months I have felt a distance forming specifically between my oldest son (6 yrs old) and me. He is the one I am hardest on when it comes to correction and often the one with whom I am the least patient. I admit that knowing that I am at fault. It breaks my heart to imagine seeing things through his eyes. Every time I replay our encounters in my mind, it brings me often to tears at how I responded and treated what is supposed to be an arrow in my quiver and as Psalm 127 puts it, "a heritage from the Lord,"and, "...a reward." I frequently have to humble myself before him and ask his forgiveness. Through God's mercy he always does. As we watched the episode I asked my son if he was excited about Alert. His response was unexpected... "sort of." At first thought I had a flashback to my days in boy scouts. It was not a good experience for me. I was an outcast, at best. I was different than the other boys in that I was not interested in the outdoors at all. This caused tremendous difficulty for me growing up. It has been my desire to spare both of my boys that pain.
So in part to begin turning this around, on my vacation week this week, I planned a campout for me and both boys individually. It was a bit cold out (in the 30's-40's) so the outdoor campout turned into an indoor campout. We cleared out the dining room and setup a tent. We then proceeded to roast hotdogs on the fireplace and have a wonderful time of connection and fellowship. I really enjoyed the one on one time I was able to spend with my oldest. On one hand, I was a little disappointed in myself that it took 6 years for me to plan something like that. We were able to laugh and talk and connect in a way that we haven't before. I was able to talk with him about the Alert and find out why he wasn't too excited about it. As it turns out it was centered around fear. Isn't that a testimony for all of us. How much of what we feel is centered around fear? I don't know about you, but for me, it is far too much. On the other hand, it gave me a list of items that we HAVE to do together!! It will greatly take me out of my comfort zone as well...rock climbing walls, walking a zip-line, doing outdoorsy stuff. For those that know me, that isn't my forte however, for the sake of my son and our relationship I am going to dive in head first. It is worth it for me.
After we we finished our hot dogs and s'mores, we sat together and began our first adventure novel by flashlight. There was nothing wrong with our power but if we were going to camp then electricity couldn't provide illumination. Treasure Island...while we didn't make it very far into the first chapter, we enjoyed the time together. My son got the giggles with "fifteen men on a dead man's chest, Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum..." It gave us a time to do something he really enjoys which is reading. What a wonderful evening. After a while we crashed in the tent to the sweet sleep of knowing we connected.
This idea of turning the father's heart to the children and the children to the father...fascinating. I don't think I have had that much fun in a long time, especially with my son. My prayer is that this will be only the beginning. God is an amazing author. It is my hope that in these times to come, my son and I will not only grow together as father and son but that the Gospel might grow us together as brothers. I pray for the hearts of my children daily, asking that God will open their hearts to Him and will have mercy and bring them to repentance. I pray the same prayer of repentance for myself. He has given us such a wondrous gift in our children...may we not waste it!!!
