Well today has been quite a day. We went to court today for Cyniya. We have had Caitlyn for two weeks tomorrow. My head is still spinning about all of this. Granted it isn't quite as mindblowing as when we got Christyana in that we have had more than 2 hours to adjust to the idea of another daughter. But that doesn't diminish the enormity of all that has happened.
I think it hit me for the first time today the magnificence of God's grace and mercy in all of this. As I was driving home from court by myself (I dropped Lauren off to pick up the kids and drive the van home), I was overwhelmed. Prior to dropping Lauren off, as she and I discussed all of this, I told her that I felt so content with our family. That is not to say that we don't still desire more children if God so chooses it, mind you. I am a little ashamed to admit that up until now I have just wanted more children and that was all I could focus on almost making an idol out of it. Since we surrendered the womb into God's more-than-capable hands almost 4 years ago our focus has been on enlarging our family. During that time that we walked through infertility, it was so discouraging. I frequently found myself asking God, "Why?" We were so excited that we had finally caught the vision for a large family and desired it greatly. In the back of my mind, I almost felt set up. Granted that is speaking through my own sinful, proud nature. We were so eager to share our desire with friends and family and then nothing happened...for a LONG time. We almost felt mocked; in our arrogance thinking we deserved better. Let me be the first to say that when we surrender something to God, we need to accept whatever his will is. In our case, it was God's will for us to walk the path of infertility. I don't know why but it isn't for me to know. God's ways are higher than ours, as I have mentioned before. Fast forward 4 years and here we sit with 5 beautiful children. Who would have thought this would be our reality. I feel as though God has blessed us 10 fold what we hoped for. Again, far more than we deserve!! I chuckled to myself on the drive as I remembered that this time last year, we were frustrated that our Russian adoption was moving at a record slow pace. It seemed as though everything hit an obstacle or hurdle we had to cross. We were so impatient. In his mercy, he didn't allow us to miss out on this blessing, even in our foolishness.
While the road ahead seems unclear, I wanted to write from the heart to our newest blessing. I don't know if she completely understands all of this but I am reminded of a song my sister and I wrote together a few years back (thought my sister wrote most if not all of the lyrics). It was written for a farewell to a pastor whom God was calling elsewhere but in thinking on the lyrics, it seemed appropriate, so I would like to share. Unfortunately I don't remember all of the lyrics but I will write what I can recall...
"An empty page, awaiting the lines of a glorious tale. A tale told through laughter, a tale told through tears; A yearning for what is to come. Is there a place to call home, in the night when the work is all done? When the road stretches long and the tears have all dried, here is the place to call home.
The tale unfolds, it's beauty unforeseen. Pain bringing blessing; questions unanswered not sure where this road will lead. Is there a place to call home, in the night when the work is all done? When the road stretches long and the tears have all dried, this is the place to call home!"
My prayer for you, dear, sweet daughter is that you will know that though the coming weeks or months will bring much pain and sorrow, you will realize that this is the place you can call home. We will love you with our whole heart. It is by God's doing that you have been placed in our home and we hope to point you to Him that you may come to know Him and follow Him. We pray that God will open your heart to recognize your own sin and need for a Savior. We are guaranteed nothing in this life but rest assured we are already praying for you and have been for months. Your brothers couldn't be more excited. Your sisters, while they are really too young to understand what is happening, will look up to you.
You will be in our home on Monday, and thus begins your journey.
We love you and are so grateful to have been chosen by God to be your guide through this life. May God's word illuminate your path. You are special in our eyes and we see you as a treasure! We know difficult times await us but we are committed to walking through the fire with you. God has extended us His grace and mercy, how could we not do the same for you?! He sent his Son to die on the cross for our sin that all who believe might have everlasting life. What we are doing greatly pales in comparison to that love. Just know that we can only love you because He first loved us. It is by his divine plan that we are to be your parents. What an honor to be chosen for such a responsibility!
Precious girl, you are loved beyond what you could possibly imagine...
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