This Christmas

It has been a few months since our last entry.  It can be difficult to take the time to share on a regular basis.  But we continue to try.  This one is long.

This Christmas was a bittersweet one for our family.  On 12/11/14 we lost two of our daughters.  Granted it wasn't due to death, but that doesn't make it hurt less.  After 32 months of fighting with the Department of Family Protective Services (aka CPS) alas we were not able to adopt them.  To us, it might as well be a death because of the gaping hole they left in our hearts and the fact that we will probably never see them again.

When we took them into our home back in April/May 2012, many thought we were crazy to have 5 children 6 years old and under.  Maybe they were right.  It was a bit chaotic from day one, that is for sure.  Little did we know how those two precious girls would transform our lives.

The first months were definitely an adjustment, at the very least.  About 6 months into things, we experienced the unexpected.  Caitlyn (the youngest) broke her leg on a trip back from Florida and a visit to Disney World (as well as family).  This was obviously unexpected.  However for those who have never dealt with Residential Child Care Licensing (RCCL) as a foster parent...it is important to know that you are guilty until proven innocent.  I know, you are thinking but the criminal system is just the opposite.  We also assumed that would be the case here.  Boy were we wrong.  We took Caitlyn to a local ER where they confirmed the injury.  They then sent us to Texas Children's Hospital.  From there the disaster began.  Initially they had the opinion that our story of how she broke her leg didn't line up with the injury so they immediately contacted RCCL/CPS claiming we had abused the girls.  For those that don't understand how investigations work, there are two types of investigations as a Foster Parent.  There are the standard investigations and then there is the abuse/neglect investigations.  We were part of the latter.  You would think that this was all a misunderstanding and that it could be resolved rather quickly.  Not the case.  The RCCL investigator came out within 24 hours of Caitlyn being checked into the hospital for a battery of tests.  They proceeded to take X-rays of every bone in her body to see if there had been other injuries that would support their abuse claim.  Naturally, there were no indications of any other injuries.  However, once the wheels are set in motion with CPS, there is no going back.  After running many tests on Caitlyn, it was discovered she had a vitamin D deficiency causing her bones to be brittle.  Had that not been the case, she wouldn't have sustained the injury.  The event that caused it certainly wasn't unusual for a child and didn't typically result in anything serious.  But with her, because of her condition, it did.  Throughout the 45 day investigation (which was a nightmare for us) it was determined that while we were not guilty of abuse (because the hospital had retracted their accusation upon determining the cause of the break as a bone issue, not a care issue) but that we were "Neglectful parents" because we didn't obtain immediate medical attention for Caitlyn.  To paint a brief picture of the circumstances, we were in a hotel unexpectedly due to a broken down vehicle (that needed a new engine due to an oil line break - Toyota recall issue).  Lauren had stepped out to go to the restroom in the hotel for literally 30 seconds.  I stepped out of the room to coordinate with the mechanic.  It was during that brief 30 second period that the incident occurred resulting in the broken leg.  Anyway, we were accused of neglectful supervision and medical neglect.  Keep in mind, had these girls been our legal children, this would have all ended after the hospital determined the bone issue was the cause of the injury.  But as Foster Parents, we are "held to a higher standard."  That never made sense to me as how can you be a better parent than you would be to your own children.  Utter nonsense at best.  So these charges were pretty severe.  We were put on the same level as parents who truly neglect their children and then have them taken away by CPS.  I am sure you have all heard stories like this.  The girls were removed promptly from our home to be returned at the Judge's order 35 days later.  Thus began the 22 month nightmare to fight/appeal the unjust, unsupported and ludicrous charges against us.

Naturally, this took a tremendous toll on our family both financially and emotionally and we will be paying in both areas for a long time to come.  Here we were trying to raise 5 beautiful children while fighting an agency (CPS) who claimed we should't even be parents.  But it was important to us to get the record set straight for a myriad of reasons.  Finally, in July of 2014 we received the final appeals decision clearing our names of the heinous charges.  We were finally free to adopt.  If only that were the end.  The girls were moved from CPS Subcare to CPS Adoption Prep (two distinct departments).  We had noticed some concerning behavior from Caitlyn in the preceding few months and tried to get some support in how to deal with it.  It got to a point where it was so disruptive to our family that our other children were at risk.  Of course, this was a HUGE concern.  We had both girls tested (part of the adoption process).  The results of the evaluations broke our hearts.  What we had been noticing in Caitlyn's behavior was given a name and a root cause.  CPS also had their own independent evaluation done.  Their evaluation proved to be even more concerning.  In the end it was not possible for us to adopt the girls.  CPS finally got what they wanted.  They had fought for 2 years to remove the girls and we fought to keep them.  In the end, it just wasn't God's will.  We endured tremendous slander and were demonized by CPS in court.  At one point, it was said that the problems that Caitlyn experience were because of Lauren's care of her.  This was preposterous, at best.  Caitlyn was diagnosed with Autism and a mood disorder even though she was only 2, almost 3 years old.  We never foresaw these challenges.  Clearly, these were not environmental issues but rather physical/chemical in nature.  Still the accusations hurt deeply and it took everything in me specifically not to fight back.  In the end, it wouldn't have changed the outcome and could have quite possibly caused us further trouble with our 3 legal children at the hands of a spiteful caseworker and supervisor.  In the end, it just wasn't worth it and it wouldn't have been doing what God calls us to do.  We are called to pray for those that persecute us.  Why is that so difficult?!?

The goodbye was better than I expected but terribly traumatic.  We requested that Cyniya be able to finish her school term before the holidays.  CPS was determined to move them the day of court.  So Cyniya got only 2 and a half hours notice that the home she had known for the last 32 months, was not going to be her forever home.  As a parent, that is the worst news I have ever had to break.  The great burden of that conversation was left to us with CPS offering no support and taking the road of the coward.  It absolutely broke our hearts to tell Cyniya.  She had grown so much while in our home.  We had grown to love her dearly and desperately wanted her to be able to stay.  The CPS case worker and the supervisor came to "collect the children."  Fortunately, we at least got a chance to meet the new foster parents.  They seemed very kind and we felt better knowing the girls were going to a Christian home where they would be the only children in the home.  We felt that with Caitlyn's special needs a smaller family would work out better for her.  It was a tearful goodbye.  Lauren had to go into the house as when they loaded Caitlyn in the car, she cried out for "mommy."  I would never wish this scenario on any parent.  For 32 months, Lauren desperately tried to connect to Caitlyn and it wasn't until they were being loaded that she finally saw the fruit of that.  Even in the last moments, CPS acted the coward.  There was no ounce of gratitude for the care we gave.  Instead we were met with a smugness.  They asked if we had "had the conversation."  It took everything within me to be civil.  I wanted to lash out verbally and unload all the emotional turmoil we had experienced.  But in reality that would have accomplished nothing.  We did, however, terminate our Foster license as we are never doing this again.  We could never put our family at risk like this again.  And, honestly, would discourage anyone else from deciding to be a foster parent.

I say all of this to share what I have been chewing on over the last few weeks.  The grief has come in waves.  There was the initial onset and then a period of being numb.  What has gone through my mind repeatedly is the Lord's Prayer.  I have said this prayer since childhood but never has it hit me with such an impact.  "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name."  It is really the next phrase that I have been chewing on, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."  For so long I assumed it was God's will for us to adopt these girls.  I envisioned their future.  I imagined walking them down the aisle at their wedding.  I could hear the conversations we would speak about this period of our lives and me telling them, "you were worth it!"  We will never get to do any of those things.  They will never know the hell we went through for them.  They will never get to grow up in our home.  That is devastating.  But then I come back to that phrase, "Thy will be done."  That is what it really comes down to.  For years we prayed for God's will to be done.  It just never occurred to me that His will wouldn't be my will.  How foolish of me to even be so presumptuous.  As a Christian, it is I who am supposed to submit.  While I knew His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts it really brought me to an impasse.  I had a choice; would I choose to walk by faith through the pain, or would I become bitter and grumble against God.  While I imagined myself getting bitter and blaming God for our circumstance, I came to realize that I needed to praise Him for the time we had.  Those girls changed our lives forever.  Rather than grumble about all of the things we won't be able to do with them, I should rejoice in what we did get to do.  Cyniya, who had never known a father, (though she had a wonderful grandfather) learned how to function within a family.  Caitlyn knew love from 7 weeks after her birth.  The girls were safe in our home and didn't experience the trauma that many children within the system experience.  There were so many times of happiness and reasons to celebrate.  We finally got Cyniya to open up and be able to verbalize her feelings.  While we will never see the fruit of our labor, we have to walk by faith and trust that the God who created them is far more qualified to care for them.  He knew them in their mother's womb.  He knew them at birth, and at every moment of their existence.  He loves them far more that we ever could.  He will care for them.  We continually pray for them and their new family.

As a close, while I am far from a poet, I would like to share some lyrics adapted from a song by Mindi Diskstein.  

Days of Plenty

We never dreamed of this sorrow,

We never thought we'd have reason to lament,

We hoped we'd never know heartbreak,

How we wish we could change the way things went!

We wanted nothing but goodness,

We wanted reason to prevail, 

Not this bare emptiness. 

We wanted Days of Plenty.

But we refuse to feel tragic,

We are aching for more than pain and grief.

There has got to be meaning,

Most of all when our time has been so brief. 

We have got to learn something,

How can we give them any less?

We want life to go on. 

We want Days of Plenty!

We have to believe

There is reason for hope. 

We have to believe

That the answers will come. 

We can't let this defeat us,

We won't let this defeat us. 

We must fight to keep them there 

Within us!

So believe that they matter

And believe that they always will!

They will always be with us,

They'll be part of the days we've yet to fill!

They will live in our bounty; 

They will live as we carry on our lives!

So carry on, full of hope, 

They'll be there, 

For all our Days of Plenty!

Goodbye our dear, sweet Cyniya and Caitlyn.  We will love you till the end of our days.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...Blessed be the name of the Lord!!